This Dream Isn't Feeling Sweet
by TheCobaltSkye
Summary: Spencer begins to find love in her best friend on her journey down a dark road. (Spanna).
1. Chapter 1

The soft drumming of rain awakens you from your sleepless daydream. It was near noon, but the sunless sky made it appear to be later than it was. You think maybe it was time to get out of bed, even though now half the day has gone. Recently you have little energy to do half the things you used to, and it didn't have to be a world war 3 just getting out of bed. You lay there more snuggled up in your comforter, and think nothing bad can happen here. Not in your bed, with the soft cotton of your shroud to keep you safe.

Your phone's buzzing shatters that innocent illusion, and you are propelled back into your reality of 'A'. But you realize that not every ding,and buzz is 'A', and you remember that you do have a sort of normal life. A life with friends, and family, and school being your kingdom, even if 'A' alters each one they still are apart of you.

You check your phone no messages from 'A', but a lot from your friends, and mother, and even surprisingly Melissa. You respond to each text in their own special way. Your mom warns you to not spend another day in bed being a lazy puss, your sister wants to do some catching up. Which you find humor in, giving since when has she ever wanted that. You assume your mother to be behind that wonder, maybe it would be enough to put some spirit back into your dull life.

A smile comes across your face in through a text you can feel your friends love, as they all wonder and worrying for you. You feel selfish, and angry at yourself for making them worry about you, and soon enough you'll let them in. You'll let them back into your heart once you figure it all out for yourself.

The rain begins to fall harder, and you think to just at least get out of bed to take care of all the essentials of life. A shower, brush teeth, coffee, and more coffee. Getting out of bed you try to remember if Emily ever left that bag of coffee beans at your house the other night.

Hot water running down your back has to be the best feeling in the world, a shower was what you definitely needed. You feel cleansed, and refreshed. Maybe, just maybe you might do something out of the ordinary today, something the old Spencer would usually do.

Coming out the bathroom you pass by the empty bottle of pills you downed the night before, and your left eye twitches at the thought of them. You couldn't wait till Monday when you could buy another round from Brenda again. A few more wouldn't hurt but you needed the extra push, you needed it only for a little while longer.

You stash the bottle away, out of mind and out of sight, until Monday morning, from the darkness of your nightstand it couldn't taunt you, and for some strange reason you feel okay with that.

A knock breaks your thoughts, and you instinctively tighten your towel around your body. You wonder who it could be since your mother and father went out of town a few days ago, and Melissa was away as well.

You grab you field hockey stick that leaned in the back of your closet, and tiptoed to the door. Another knock hits the wooden surface, and you raise the stick high above your head.

"Spence, you in there?"

Hanna!

You seem to loose your voice for a minute, as you try to catch your breath, and ease your racing heart. Of course its Hanna, its always Hanna. Hanna, the only one after Ali's supposed death that you kept in touch with, and the Hanna who realized something was more off about you than anyone else, and tried to come for your rescue. Your backbone, and you think where would you be without her. A smile breaks across face, as you can't believe she actually came out into the pouring rain all the way to your house.

"Yeah, I'm here."

Your voice is hoarse from little use, but you try to make it sound brighter for Hanna. Just to let her know you appreciate her coming to see you. You unlock the door, and open it to find Hanna cradling a tray with two steamy cups of coffee, and a bag of what you hoped for were warm buttery croissants.

Even though she claims, that she was cutting off your supply of caffeinated drinks, mainly coffee, she brought you some anyways. Its things like that, that makes her so special to you.

"Of course you're here where else would you be most days? If you're not locked up in your room playing Detective Spencer, then you're out Scooby searching for clues."

Hanna shrugs at you as she tries to read questions as if they were written all over your body in black ink.

"I'm just trying to figure out where I, and the others fit in that crazy schedule of yours. You don't seem to have time for any of us anymore."

You want so desperately to tell her everything, everything about your theories, assumptions, and you wonder what she would think of it all. In your heart you think its better to carry the weight of secrets if you have someone else to share the weight with you. All the ones you have are starting to weigh you down, but you just keep your mouth shut. Passing up another opportunity to spill your guts, you swing and miss...on purpose.

You lean on the hockey stick you still hold, unsure of how to respond to Hanna, she gives you a caution look. You don't blame her really, she can read you like a book, better than your own self most times, but lately you've been unpredictable, and she wonders what to expect next from you.

Will you slam the door in her face? Never! Will you yell at her again? Never again! Will you tell her to back off? Not unless you can help it, not unless you can keep your sporadic emotions under control, because you really don't want to hurt her again.

You drop the stick and rush in to hug her, she nearly looses her balance while trying to carry your extra added weight, and that of the coffee she brought.

"Well damn, maybe I should bring you coffee more often then."

You chuckled into the crook of her neck and feel calm as you softly in hale her perfume.

"I love coffee, but I love you just a little bit more. I'm glad you're here."

You pull back from her, and her smile was big enough that her dimples really showed, and you knew it was genuine. You usher her into your room to wait, while you went into the bathroom to change into your clothes.

When you return she's laying across your bed on her stomach flipping through a fashion magazine. You stay in the door a moment longer just taking in the sight of her. She's dressed warmly, her hair up in a ponytail, a style you remember telling you liked on her, and she even wore that light teal and pink scarf you bought her once, just because you thought it would look only good on her. You try to think back on when you started having these isolated thoughts about Hanna, as if she was the light of your world. That position was always Toby's, but you think where is he now when you need him most.

Hanna's here, she's here with you now, and nothing else seems to matter. You feel okay with that, and join your friend on the bed. She lays against your side, and it also feels okay.

She offers you your coffee, and you take it with fingers lightly brushing hers. Her blue eyes catches yours and you can't help but to wonder, what does all this mean? You can feel something beginning to happen, something you fear and welcome, and you're certain that she can feel it to. This didn't just happen over night, no, it makes since to say that maybe it was always there waiting to break through.

She doesn't have Caleb anymore, and Toby, who always skips town when you need him, but always comes back at the right times when you need him. He leaves you with feelings of ups and downs, but Hanna is starting to keep you grounded again.

You take a small sip of your coffee, it was made the way you liked. You wonder when she ever knew how you took your coffee, and the croissants she brought were heaven backed into perfection...

"H-hanna, will you stay with me tonight?"

You don't know why just asking something that used to be so simple, become so hard too say to her. She caresses your arm, and slip a little bit more closely to you than she normally would.

"You didn't really even have to ask, I was going to do just that anyways."

Her words warmed you and sent a kind of excitement that you haven't felt in so long, and it felt okay, she seems to make everything good and bad okay. Even if it was just for a moment, a second, a minute, a hour, or possibly forever, you promise to let go of any of this. You crush her in a tight hug intent on keeping at least one promise without breaking it. Literally anyways.

You had to loosen your hold just so she could breathe, but you pull her down on the bed and lay her atop your body like it was what you both did all the time. It wasn't but somewhere down the road your friendship took a different turn, and so this was okay for now.

"Spence? What is this? Do you feel it too?"

You pull her even closer to you, and think that of course you feel all those things. It feels good, it feels right. Why change it, and more importantly why try to give it a name?

"Let's just lay here Han, I'm too tired to play Detective Spencer right now."


	2. Chapter 2

Come Sunday morning the little innocence you both shared last night was slowing fading away. You didn't sleep none that Saturday night even though she shared your bed with you, and for once that night you were not alone.

Though even with her here with you, you still felt alone, and the need for more answers, the need for more pills overcame your already weak perseverance. It wasn't long before you're thrashing around your room in search of pills you knew you didn't have, awakening Hanna in the process of your frantic searching.

She tried to comfort you, but you didn't want her comfort, or her blue eyes of pity. The poor Spencer pity party would just never seem to end.

You pushed her away so hard from you that she crashed into your dresser knocking out some of the contents inside, including the many empty pill bottles all over the floor. She took one look at a bottle and the many printed out information you had on Ezra Fitz that you had spread across the bed and she instantly put all the pieces together and you wish that you could put all your pieces together just as fast.

She was finally seeing how much the 'A' thing, and 'Alison' thing, and 'Ezra Fitz being A' thing was taking it's toll on you. You think that for her it must be like watching a Twilight Zone episode, of how The Great Spencer Hasting was finally a scatterbrained disaster.

"Oh, Spencer."

Hanna picks herself up from the floor, wincing from a bruised side, and you wince for being the cause of her pain. In your head your saying sorry over a thousand times until you realize that she can't hear what is in your head. You're so scared that finding the voice to say a simple apology is too much to accomplish.

This time she doesn't come near you, she stands at a distance, once again uncertain of what she should do and how you would react. You stand across from her all stiff and arms folded like a shield around yourself. The Unpredictable Spencer Hastings, she never fails to amaze and surprise you.

"Let me help you. I'm here for you, if you would just let me in. This dark place that you're in we can fight it together, you've never been alone, Spencer.

She softly speaks her words of reassurance to you, and you'll admit that it was almost enough to fall to your knees and hope that she would catch you along with the weigh of your problems. You know that she would do anything for you, because no matter what she will always be there. Whether at times you want or don't want her to be, she will always be there and that you think is your life line of coming back to who you are.

If anyone can bring you back to your old self it would be Hanna Marin, because she'll never give up on you or let you give up on yourself.

"I'm fine, Hanna."

You say that even though you are far from it. You lie to yourself just as you would to her, or anyone else, in your head you say you are fine, but in reality you are not. You're finding it hard to keep a grip on reality lately anyways.

She gives you one of her best 'Are you fucking serious' looks that you have ever seen to grace her beautiful features. Her phone buzzes and her hard gaze flickers from you for a second as she glances at her phone's lit up screen.

She reaches for it, but not without a hiss of pain from where she fell into your dresser. You hope she isn't too badly bruised and you hope that she can forgive you for it. You watch as she reads a message on her phone and see different emotions run across her face. She lets out a heavy sigh and shakes her head as she looks back up at you.

"I have to go Spencer, but we are not done here. I won't say anything to the others until we have our own personal talk first."

You keep your head down and refuse to make eye contact with, but you whisper an okay to her. She quickly gathers her belongings from around your room and you stay glued to the same spot. Afraid if you move you don't know what you'll do, its bad when you've even become so afraid of your own self and that you can't trust your own self.

Being so lost in your own thoughts you didn't even realize it until a pair of soft and sweet glossed lips leaves a peck on your own dry and chapped ones. You stare into Hanna's eyes that look back at you with love you still can't believe you've never noticed for so long until now. Those pills help keep you awake, but they don't help you see what you should truly be awake for.

"I'll see you tomorrow,okay?"

She is once again searching you for an answer, uncertain blue eyes that fall back on your now stain lips from her gloss. All you have to say to her is 'Yes, you'll see me tomorrow but you don't want to promise that she will. Your plan was to go to school, find Brenda, buy a hundred dollars worth of pills from Brenda, and ditch school for the rest of the day. Seeing Hanna, or any other of your friends wasn't included in that agenda.

The only words you could seem to find was, "I'm sorry." Your eyes fall down to her left side that she's cradling her hand on suppressing the throbbing pain.

"Don't worry about it, it doesn't hurt as much as I'm making it out to be. Besides I could push back twice as hard if I really wanted to."

You don't miss the threat laced beneath her words, and her stare is back to the hard one you seem to make her wear more often now. "But you're fragile right now Spence, and I don't want to break you anymore than you already are. And just promise me that you want buy any more pills okay?"

She leaves you alone now with those being her last words and with the sound of the front door closing you fall down to your knees. It is all too much, everything has become too much the weight of the world feels like it has made a home on your shoulders. You know that it is up to you to solve Rosewood's greatest mystery but you can't do it alone, your extra help come in capsules. Where would you be without them?

Licking your lips brings back the taste of Hanna, you roll your tongue around the sweet stickiness that she left there, strawberry. Her lips were so soft and you wish to feel them again, you also wish you to feel the small coolness of a pill going down your throat and you weigh them both to see which one you would choose over the other.

You leave that question unanswered, you're so afraid of what you would choose thinking one could compromise the other if placed higher than the other. Isn't it better to deny your wants, but supply your needs?

It is better to supply your needs, or so you would think and it makes you feel a little bit better. It doesn't make you feel so bad about seeing Brenda tomorrow. You can afford to break one more promise and you regrettably accept that.


	3. Chapter 3

Your mother was the first to arrive home from her business trip. You're used to lying and pretending so acting normal in front of her seemed easy enough. Almost too easy. Though she was so excited from the events of her trip and telling you all about it, you didn't really have to try so hard.

Nodding and smiling when you had to and occasionally you'd ask a question, just to confirm that you were really paying her any attention. It is hard to focus without them, without their help and your mouth is starting dry but ironically your body is heating up and sweat you can feel pore out of your skin. But you'll be at school in no time and all will be as you hope it should be. All you want is to feel calm and collected. Ironically those pills are the one thing that brings you as close to your old self more than anything else.

Your head starts to spin and you take your cup of coffee with you to the bar to sit down. You wish the bar stool had a back to it so you could just lean back and rest but instead you lean forward on elbows that feel bruised.

"Spencer, are you alright? You don't look good."

You laugh under your breath at your mother and at the fact that she is just now truly seeing you since she arrived home. She has her eyes squinted at you and tries to look as if she's missed something or sees something maybe familiar. The bags under your eyes grow dark and red by the day and you move and reaction slower, your body seems smaller and weaker. You don't know how long you can play off your state of being as just senior stress.

Mrs. Hastings is a smart woman and you're surprised that Hanna has figured out your problem even before she has. Your mother has dealt with this dark Spencer before. And you think back to the promise you made your mother that you broke. You promised her that you wouldn't go back 'to this'. But you did and it is too late to turn back now.

"Mom, I'm good I just didn't sleep well last night." You force one of your best smiles trying to breakthrough the tiredness.

She gets up and places a soft kiss atop your head full of unruly hair, but as a mother she loves you regardless of her child's flaws. There's one flaw of course that she doesn't love, she ruffles your hair and says to don't be late for school.

You listen to your mother's footsteps ascend up the stairs before breaking out your cellphone that you've kept in you shower robe pocket. You have a few missed texts from Emily, Aria and Hanna. All asking if you want to ride with them to school. You tell them each no and got back a simple okay from all but one. Hanna's calling your phone the instant she got your 'no' text. You let out a frustrated sign, it was too early in the morning for another round with Hanna. And now that she knows about your habit she's becoming like your second shadow.

She kept sending you text after text all last night asking if you're trying to sleep and if you're trying to think of things other than 'them'. You angrily mash your phone's touch screen telling her trying is all you can do and that Rome wasn't built in a day. She would say that all she wants to do is help own night consisted of you angrily both texting back and forth until you didn't receive another reply from Hanna. Then you knew she had fallen asleep maybe unintentional but at least the fight had ended for now.

"Hey Han," You answer the phone with fake enthusiasm.

"Don't hey Han, me. What the hell is your problem?"

Even without physically seeing her you can imagine Hanna, pacing back and forth in her room. With her eyebrows draw together and eyes doing a 360 roll.

"No problem, I'm just enjoying a nice cold cup of coffee for breakfast." You realized that you never touch the cup of brown liquid and that it sat cold now and you just push it away.

"Okay well I'm coming to pick you up in like ten minutes, so be ready by then."

She hangs up the phone before you could protest and your left with your mouth hanging open forming the words you didn't get to say. All you wanted now was to chunk your phone across the kitchen and into the nearest wall. Hanna was messing with your plans. Your plan was to go to school alone sneak around campus until you found Brenda, or as a backup plan Andrew, and get what you need then sneak back off campus and back home. That's all you wanted to do but no Hanna has to complicate already complicated things for you even more. Your head is pounding now and you grab the aspirin bottle left by the cupboard and you wash the pill down along with your cold coffee.

The drive to school was awkward and very quiet. Hanna seemed really tensed as you could tell from her white knuckles gripping the steering wheel so hard. She doesn't look or try to talk to you, her main focus was the road ahead. You throw your head back against the head rest praying to any god that could hear your prays to save you, and you promised whoever answers first can keep your soul. You silent take back your words you seem to have bad luck with keeping promises and that is one promise you don't want to tempt fate with.

Hanna pulls into the Rosewood high school parking lot with a little more in her turn than usual and a few students had to dodge out of her way or risk getting hit by her bumper. When the car stops completely you immediately reach for the door handle but Hanna presses the automatic lock button before you could make your escape.

"Okay so here's the agensa for today."

"You mean 'agenda'?"

You can't help but to correct her as it comes so naturally to you and her look of pissed off nearly has you in a laughing fit.

"Whatever! The agenda, is that I'm walking you to and from all your classes and you are not to be let out of my sight at all times and send me a text during class to let me know you are still there and doing okay. Comprende? And I didn't tell Aria, and Emily why but that they just need to keep an eye out for you during the whole day."

Your speechless and you're trying to find the right words to say to her without hurting her feelings. But every word that comes to your mind is a bad as the next and it doesn't help that you see Brenda walking fast across the parking lot with her friends. All you can think about is what she's keeping in her purse.

Hanna catches your wandering eye and sees what has you so fixated on anything other than her. You still watch Brenda even after she's disappeared into the school building. Your bottom lip trembles as your source of relief vanishes, and you angrily fight with the door handle more trying to get out. Hanna pulls you away from the door and crashes both of your lips together into a searing kiss. She trying to help take your mind off 'them' and wants you to think of nothing but her. She opens her mouth inviting your tongue inside and caresses her tongue along yours.

You forget just about everything in that moment and you can't believe that even though the kiss was meant as a distraction, it was a damn good distraction. You both kiss for what felt like an eternity but was only a few minutes. You could do this forever you think and the power of kissing seemed like a more stronger addiction than anything else. The sound of knuckles rapping on glass broke you both from your dream state.

Outside Hanna's car stood your other two best friends, who didn't hide their shock from just witnessing yours and Hanna's make-out session. You could have laughed from just the looks on both their faces if it were really appropriate to laugh in this situation anyways.

"This is just fucking great." You say aloud throwing your hands up as if in defeat. The only thing that could have made this any worse was if Toby somehow dropped out the sky. You still don't know how you'll tell him of your sudden change in sexual orientation or that you're now having feelings for you best friend. Now you'll have to explain it all to Aria and Emily, but how can you explain something to your friends that you still know nothing about?

Hanna was slumped down in her driver's seat looking like a deer caught in the head lights and you think now you know you're on your own for this one. Before you could try and talk some since into Hanna you see Brenda walking fast across the parking lot back to her car. You lick your dry lips instinctively as you think of 'them' again.

You unbuckle your seat belt and reach across Hanna to jab the button to unlock the door. You're tearing the car door open and running across the lot towards Brenda who hasn't even seen you yet. Emily and Aria look on at you in disbelief at what was going on in this one morning.

The wind is hitting your ears so hard as you run and you don't catch Hanna's voice screaming your name. You don't notice much only that Brenda is becoming awfully closer to you, and then she's not but a strong soft body has knocked into yours and all you see is blonde hair and blue sadden eyes until the world spins into darkness.


End file.
